"I'm Going To Light Up Your Heinie''

Regis and I took the kids to the Sussex County Fair over the summer. It should have been fun. But it was 100 degrees, so it wasn't really.
At lunch, the kids were tired, sweaty and fretful. At the table next to us we heard parents reprimanding their own little children, when all of the sudden the dad says: "Branson, if you do that again, I'll take you out to the car and light up your heinie. You act like a brat, you'll get beaten like a brat, okay?''
But he said this in the mildest, most rational tone, the same way nice, non-spanking parents, like ourselves, would tell our children: "If you do that again, no more TV today, okay?''
We felt very judgmental and superior, while at the same time, I was conscious of the fact that when our kids behaved badly at lunch, the heinie-lighter-would surely be thinking that we should belt them once in the ass to straighten them out. And I couldn't help wondering, momentarily, if he was right.
Later, I told Lulu: "You're really lucky you don't have parents like that. If you didn't feel like eating your hamburger or called your brother stupid, he'd be giving you a spanking! In fact, maybe the next time we're mad at you, we'll send you over to his table so he can do it for us. Ha ha''
Mostly, though, the entire family just laughed uproariously over the phrase "light up your heinie.'' And months later, we still joke about it.
That abusive dad will never know the gift he gave us!